🔗 Share this article

Being a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, mostly enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship that lasted four years, but I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin seeing a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with other men once more.

Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they appear demanding, often resulting in significant pain and jealousy among all parties. In many ways, I want another man to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I fear the psychological toll this might create. Should I just continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel a bit lost.

Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate various forms of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; eventually you may find yourself more decisive and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you might meet a person offering a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Try to be present with your partners, and recognize the worth of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American therapy professional focusing on treating intimacy issues.